What Do You Do With A Hole...

I wrote this post a few weeks ago.  I haven’t published it because I have a hard time letting go of the feeling that I need to continue to guard my heart. But, community has been a hot topic on several blogs I like to read and today I feel like “no pain, no gain.”  So, here goes…

There is a community shaped hole in my heart.

To be honest, it's been there for about 10 years now. It has always ached although the ache has grown stronger and louder over the past year or two.  It has reached a boil and I can’t seem to stop it from spilling over into my everyday life any more. 

Recently, I've put myself out there in baby steps only to feel the sting of un-acceptance. It seems harder and harder to break the barrier of outer edge friendship the older I get.

That being said, there is a community of ladies I've been quietly "stalking" from a distance for about 2 years. I haven't had the nerve to put myself out there and participate in any events. I guess my nagging self-consciousness and fears of un-acceptance have kept me out. I’m afraid that if I did put myself out there and I did feel that sting that it would tarnish a place I gravitate to for healing.  Even if the healing is only written words, with no personal interaction, it none the less heals my heart.

I wonder, does your heart harden to the idea of community and deep friendships the longer you go without? How do you soften to the idea of continuously put yourself on the line. How do you cope with the seasons of silence?

I’ll keep you posted….