What Do You Do With A Hole...

I wrote this post a few weeks ago.  I haven’t published it because I have a hard time letting go of the feeling that I need to continue to guard my heart. But, community has been a hot topic on several blogs I like to read and today I feel like “no pain, no gain.”  So, here goes…

There is a community shaped hole in my heart.

To be honest, it's been there for about 10 years now. It has always ached although the ache has grown stronger and louder over the past year or two.  It has reached a boil and I can’t seem to stop it from spilling over into my everyday life any more. 

Recently, I've put myself out there in baby steps only to feel the sting of un-acceptance. It seems harder and harder to break the barrier of outer edge friendship the older I get.

That being said, there is a community of ladies I've been quietly "stalking" from a distance for about 2 years. I haven't had the nerve to put myself out there and participate in any events. I guess my nagging self-consciousness and fears of un-acceptance have kept me out. I’m afraid that if I did put myself out there and I did feel that sting that it would tarnish a place I gravitate to for healing.  Even if the healing is only written words, with no personal interaction, it none the less heals my heart.

I wonder, does your heart harden to the idea of community and deep friendships the longer you go without? How do you soften to the idea of continuously put yourself on the line. How do you cope with the seasons of silence?

I’ll keep you posted….

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly - My first homeschool convention...

Let me say, I really do love homeschooling.

I'm coming to the end of my first "year" as an instructor. It seems that my son has made it through my attempt at kindergarten pretty much unscathed. He knows how to write legibly. He can read. He's getting the hang of basic addition and subtraction. And, he still loves me. I qualify that as a success.

After this milestone I thought I'd be up to handling my first Minnesota Alliance for Christian Home Educators (MÂCHÉ) conference/workshop. It is the Cadillac of homeschool gatherings. There are speakers, workshops and over 150 merchants.

My self-esteem took more than a few knocks. You never really know how much you don't know until it's all laid out over 8 ballrooms and 65,000 square feet filled with product all available to help you teach your child.

My head was spinning. Does my soon to be first grader need to start learning Latin? Should he have a telescope larger than my first car? Will he be well rounded if we don't have a small orchestra of instruments available to him? And don't even get me started on the fact that we don't have our yearly family membership to the Minneapolis Art Institute. How will he function if he can't tell the difference between Monet and Manet?

Over the span of two days with many texts and phone calls to the Hubs, I got through it. I did manage to get some great ideas and some pretty awesome curriculum.

Watch out First Grade, here we come!

I Need An Outlet...

Life is in a constant state of ciaos and disarray when you're the mother of two VERY rowdy boys and the wife to a man that works NON-STOP. Ok, he works NON-STOP to fuel this crazy life and I love him for it. None the less, it only adds to the ciaos and disarray. Add in the fact that I am not only the head cook and bottle washer but also... the teacher. That's right, I homeschool. Me and the boys are together 24/7! Yep, 24/7!! It is a rare occassion that me and double trouble are seperated. So, I need an outlet. An outlet mall would be nice too!